I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
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“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
*aggressively waits in line*
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC