I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
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[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.