Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

Drive like no one is watching.

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”