I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
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I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop