I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
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My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
dam girl
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice