I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
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A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
journal
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I already tried new things thanks.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”