I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
You Might Also Like
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…