I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
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[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.