@Insomniac_Medic

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

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@TheBoydP

Ninety percent of being a dog is not realizing your own tail is your own tail.

@OldUncleDaveO

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

@mrjohndarby

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

@Ygrene

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

@JohnMayer

gunshot loudness: 160 decibels
Accidentally dropping down toilet seat rim: 8,000

@Mike_Bianchi

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

@junejuly12

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

@LADaddy

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

@JoeP187

So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?