“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
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Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Friday night party time 🥳
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*