Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

Geez man, take it easy.

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz