Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

“what’s it like having a sister?”

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

crochet youtube is brutal

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

My life in a nutshell

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary