Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

we’re gonna need another temp

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular