Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

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My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

pizza

Thinking about a snail with a limp

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

Shoo shoo! 😂

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs