Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

I need a headline like this

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.