Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

Godspeed, John Glenn

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

I identify as an antique shop.

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.