Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

Imagine having a party on purpose.

*explosion walks away from me in slow motion

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.