I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
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It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.