I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
You Might Also Like
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.