I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
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The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Thursday Thought.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]