I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
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It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.