Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

every. time.

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

Others: I run so I can eat pizza

Me: I just…eat pizza

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

“Sure, I get it!”

– Me, not getting it

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

Yup

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what