I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
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I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
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7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.