I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
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Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Worlds greatest photobomb
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
a fate I wish upon no one
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.