Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

How high do the levels go?

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human

Captcha:

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency