I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
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All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.