Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

Wikigenius

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”