Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

🤣

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope