I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
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I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Godspeed, John Glenn
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”