Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
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“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”