I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.
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My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Phones down.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks