Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

bury ourselves

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis