I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.
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[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.