Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

was Jim off killing horses or…

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane