Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

is frankincense just very honest incense?

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

This headline is a thing of beauty

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone