I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
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Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.