I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
good for her
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Breaking news:
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’