Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.