Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

that de-escalated quickly

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.