I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
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“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
This is so wrong 😂
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution