I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
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I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.