Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

Now who done made this a sport lmao

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.