I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
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The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
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“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases