Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

Going into Monday like

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?