Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special