I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
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Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.