I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
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I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
#titanic
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
not to brag, but mine was free
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*