I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
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Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
