I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
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My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.