Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!