I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
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*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys