I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
You Might Also Like
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My teenage children choosing violence
December birthdays be like…
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.