I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
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My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I can’t stop watching this.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Pickled cat.
me in a relationship:
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly