I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
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Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.