I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
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[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
dutch so unserious
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
sliding into dms like
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.