I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
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[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Covert ops
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.