I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.