I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.