I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician