I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I’m just playing devils avocado here
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Britain be like
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.