Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

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kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever