Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

Boy never ceases to amaze me

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.