I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
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I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
selena gomez
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Incredible customer service.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.