I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
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It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Go girl power!
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.