Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

School be like

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.

Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks