I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
You Might Also Like
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I am having an out of money experience.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Dune (2021)
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*