I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
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it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
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Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.