I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
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Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges