Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

i dont have time for this

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.