“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
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Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Breaking news:
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Drive like no one is watching.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard