Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

I need a horror movie where a kidnapper abducts a possessed child and finds out.

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

Good morning, Twitter 😊

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled